Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers

Attention D-Bag Apple Fan-Boys! Above you surely see the newest, slimmest, fastest iPhone to date. In fact, you probably already have one, don’t you? Please, I have 30 minutes to spare, so tell me again why Apple is better than God everything else and how it makes you more “unique, hip and/or cool” because you own their products… Ah, thanks.  That speech never gets old!  This article is for you!

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company’s hippest and most dedicated customers.

“I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet,” announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. “Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it’s also the most handsome product we’ve ever designed.”

The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause, with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and shouting, “I can see it!” “Look, there it is!” and “God, it’s so beautiful!”

Suck it Apple.

Source: The Onion

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