Dear Facebook, I Hate You

facebook sucks

Like pretty much all college grads and students (now pretty much even kindergartners) I’ve been on facebook for years now. I signed up for the same reason everyone else did… Because fucking everyone else had an account already. Why I ever caved in, I have no idea. Hell, I managed to not jump off any bridges (thanks Mom) or become a meth head, so why facebook?

Recently, I have learned that facebook is completely useless and here is why:

  • The only reason anyone anywhere ever created an account is because at some point, you had this conversation: “Hey, ‘friend me’ on facebook!”  “WTF is Facebook?” you said.  You don’t have facebook?  Wow…  It’s a totally cool social networking site.  You can add all your friends and stay up to date!”  “You mean like MySpace?”  “Um… yeah.  Its the same, but new and shiny!!”
  • You can call/email/instant messenge/carrier pigeon the friends you actually want to hang out with.  No need for 3rd party websites!
  • Most of your “friends” on facebook are people you either don’t know, or really don’t care about anymore.  People keep adding more friends because it tells other people how many friends you have!  We don’t want to look like losers so we keep adding more people we don’t give a fuck about.
  • Your brainless friends post the most useless updates ever.  I have taken the liberty of copying some of my “friends” updates here for you:
  • is going to relax today…
  • is going to the meeting today and is a little nervous :/
  • heading off to work, then were having a bbq with some friends 🙂 ♥
  • Is wondering how to make mung muffins
  • Jessica requested help with the Dispose of a Body job in Mafia Wars.
  • is going to bed…

  • Which is another good point.  What is up with all these games?  There are REAL GAMES for sale at your local Wal-Mart if you want to play something.  Stop trying to recruit me to your mafia or farm or make me a damn zombie/vampire.  I denied the request the first thirty times you sent it!
  • If you use facebook to share pictures, that’s not horrible, but give flickr or picasa a try.  Its like facebook picture sharing except good!
  • If you actually have something interesting to share, I will most likely never see it because it will instantly purged to the bottom of the page or the next page by the mindless zombies that feel the need to share bowel movements and lunch menus with the world.
  • Groups – Jebus has there ever been anything more pointless?  These are tagged at the bottom of your profile and serve absolutely no purpose.  I dare you to go and check the last time something was updated on the Group’s page.  Probably… never.

    Looks like upper management material!

  • Back to pictures: employers very frequently check applicants facebook pages for a “character background check.”  Most people proudly post photos like these.  Guess what your employer thinks about your character and level of responsibility now?  Yeah you’ve been pwned by facebook.
  • Because of the previous bullet, the only pictures you can safely put on facebook are you saluting an American and rescuing kittehs from trees.  Don’t worry though, your friends will still “tag” you in embarrassing pictures that you didn’t even upload!
  • I get emails to tell me that I have emails on facebook ><  Yeah, just email my email asshole.

Damn, I feel much better now.  I would add more but its dinner time and I want to update my facebook with what I’m having!

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3 Responses to “Dear Facebook, I Hate You”

  1. So….I guess this means I can’t count on you to join my mob?

  2. Yeah, that post was a long way of saying no…

  3. I used to be a facebook addict, but man, it has gotten so pointless these days. I mean really, if I want to catch up with a friend, I’ll go see them in person. But I do find it useful for creating events. It’s a lot easier to invite people to an event of facebook then figure out who you need to text/email/call and that way everyone can discuss what needs to happen before without trying to get ahold of everyone to discuss.

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