Aug
24

OMAHA, Neb. – A Nebraska man who stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he raped has been convicted of first-degree sexual assault and felony theft.

Holy Shit!   I’ve done some things I’m not proud of in my life but this is ridiculous.  Let’s pause and recap the events:

  1. Man rapes 14 year old girl.
  2. A few months pass and he finds out she is pregnant.
  3. He kidnaps the girl.
  4. Steals a fucking 300 year old Virgin Mary painting.
  5. Drives to Mexico and sells the painting for $3,000.
  6. Attempts force the girl to have an abortion.
  7. Drives the girl back to the states.
  8. Gets arrested (Finally).

To top this all off, the man uses his son as a lookout during all these shenanigans!  Last year the man sold crack to kids on the playground to purchase 3rd world country babies to force into prostitution as part of an elaborate scheme to purchase nukes on the black market for the Taliban.  He must have a proud mother.

Source: Yahoo News

Aug
23

facebook sucks

Like pretty much all college grads and students (now pretty much even kindergartners) I’ve been on facebook for years now. I signed up for the same reason everyone else did… Because fucking everyone else had an account already. Why I ever caved in, I have no idea. Hell, I managed to not jump off any bridges (thanks Mom) or become a meth head, so why facebook?

Recently, I have learned that facebook is completely useless and here is why:

  • The only reason anyone anywhere ever created an account is because at some point, you had this conversation: “Hey, ‘friend me’ on facebook!”  “WTF is Facebook?” you said.  You don’t have facebook?  Wow…  It’s a totally cool social networking site.  You can add all your friends and stay up to date!”  “You mean like MySpace?”  “Um… yeah.  Its the same, but new and shiny!!”
  • You can call/email/instant messenge/carrier pigeon the friends you actually want to hang out with.  No need for 3rd party websites!
  • Most of your “friends” on facebook are people you either don’t know, or really don’t care about anymore.  People keep adding more friends because it tells other people how many friends you have!  We don’t want to look like losers so we keep adding more people we don’t give a fuck about.
  • Your brainless friends post the most useless updates ever.  I have taken the liberty of copying some of my “friends” updates here for you:
  • is going to relax today…
  • is going to the meeting today and is a little nervous :/
  • heading off to work, then were having a bbq with some friends 🙂 ♥
  • Is wondering how to make mung muffins
  • Jessica requested help with the Dispose of a Body job in Mafia Wars.
  • is going to bed…

  • Which is another good point.  What is up with all these games?  There are REAL GAMES for sale at your local Wal-Mart if you want to play something.  Stop trying to recruit me to your mafia or farm or make me a damn zombie/vampire.  I denied the request the first thirty times you sent it!
  • If you use facebook to share pictures, that’s not horrible, but give flickr or picasa a try.  Its like facebook picture sharing except good!
  • If you actually have something interesting to share, I will most likely never see it because it will instantly purged to the bottom of the page or the next page by the mindless zombies that feel the need to share bowel movements and lunch menus with the world.
  • Groups – Jebus has there ever been anything more pointless?  These are tagged at the bottom of your profile and serve absolutely no purpose.  I dare you to go and check the last time something was updated on the Group’s page.  Probably… never.

    Looks like upper management material!

  • Back to pictures: employers very frequently check applicants facebook pages for a “character background check.”  Most people proudly post photos like these.  Guess what your employer thinks about your character and level of responsibility now?  Yeah you’ve been pwned by facebook.
  • Because of the previous bullet, the only pictures you can safely put on facebook are you saluting an American and rescuing kittehs from trees.  Don’t worry though, your friends will still “tag” you in embarrassing pictures that you didn’t even upload!
  • I get emails to tell me that I have emails on facebook ><  Yeah, just email my email asshole.

Damn, I feel much better now.  I would add more but its dinner time and I want to update my facebook with what I’m having!

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Aug
22

Sorry for 2 Failblog pictures in a row, but what is funnier than smallpox?

Source: Failblog.org

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Aug
22

Source: Failblog.org

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Aug
21

I’ve been giving robots a lot of attention as of late, but stumbled across this somewhat old but highly educational article about zombies on cracked.com.  The article goes into great detail describing 5 different zombie producing scenarios that could probably definitely will happen.  My favorite is the last scenario which describes how nano-cyborgs (most likely to be the iCyborg debuting from Apple this fall) will take over your brain and shut down many of your advanced human functions.  Here are the highlights:

  • Scientists have already created a nano-cyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a virus.  And they still fucking function for up to 1 month after dying.  Fact.
  • According to studies, within a decade they’ll have nanobots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural connections to replace damaged ones.  Give up by advanced brain function to cyborg/zombies that mad scientists created?  Where do I sign up!!
  • Some day there will be nanobots in your brain. Those nanobots will be programmed to keep functioning after you die. They can form their own neural pathways, meaning they can use your brain to keep operating your limbs after you’ve deceased and, presumably, right up until you rot to pieces in mid-stride.
  • The nanobots will likely attempt to move to a living host in an act of self preservation.  They most reasonable method is biting sexually charged teens barricaded in the local mall.

Read the whole article on cracked.com.  There are 4 other theories listed too.  This one was my favorite though 🙂